Timing is everything.
26.12.2011 - 03.01.2012 23 °C
Home. Again. Happy 2012!
Things are soooo much better. On my last day in Italy, the morning before my flight, I finally said all I needed to. I asked the questions. I made the statements. I let it out, made it known, exerted my powers, summoned the energies. It was so overwhelming to be able to finally say what I felt. I was so relieved from my frustration and disappointment.
I was told everything I needed to know; love there is. But I asked myself, is it everything? No.
Contrary to popular belief of believers and hopers, it can not save the world and make everything possible!
Because it's just not enough.
At this point in time, he is unable to give me the relationship that I am looking for, unable to sustain a relationship right now. For a long time, I didnt even consciously remember what that was. And being back home now, I realized exactly what it is that I want.
By saying what I had to, I just released myself and let myself go.
It was never going to be him to do it. He doesnt have the courage to let a dreamer like me go.
I'm now home, visiting only. I've been here one month now but it is one month that has done me so well. It's incredible how timing works and how everything happens exactly when it needs to.
Obviously, nothing has been decided and nothing closed but between myself and I, I have decided that I simpy can not afford to wait and want so much from this one person any longer. Can't sustain this! Simply can't contain it either; pushing aside all other opportunities in case he comes around and decides he is ready.
One month in, life has let me be alone, sleep alone at night in a nice big bed with fresh white sheets - just myself and I, I've had the time to absorb things said to me, realize behaviors, my responses, let the coins drop and be honest with myself - what it is I am getting and what I am not.
I tried to distract mysel with books but it didn't work.
I just let myself be and did nothing but work, took on yoga, walks on the beach and spent my time with people I love.
Step 1 - understood.
Step 2 - .... Almost 2 years when I have started this blog, I went on a journey. And two years in, life let me have the closure that I never got - because of timing. And not just closure, HUGE realizations.
The one who I fell in love with and inspired me to come to Argentina in the first place, was scheduled to arrive. We had dinner last night. Incredible how timing does its own in due course and how right now, the two of us are here, in the same city again. It's something you just can't ignore.
I had a really great time and felt so happy. Our time together is always amazing. And the immense attraction is still on fire like ever before. And we've grown. The timing of us meeting could not have come at a better moment.
This morning I realized that once again, just as this man was the key to my leaving on a journey (which I told him openly) that opened me to the world, he has now once again, reappeared in my life to give me a key again to show me, remind me, what it is that I DO WANT. All that is important to me in a companion, what it is I am looking for, where and how I feel comfortable. It is amazing!
It's so simple - I want the person that loves life as I do - someone who loves to eat, laugh, travel, take things lightly.
I know this, we all know this. But you forget along the way. But you sometimes overlook those small things that don't seem important once you meet someone who challenges you, doesn't let you be you.
Everything else is just too serious to also take things so seriously. I am unable to be involved with someone who is so tough with himself, that it is absolutely impossible to please or meet some grade of his satisfaction because of the fear that the things I might say or do will never be enough.
I can't do it . I can try, I can fake it for a certain period of time. But do I want to? Can I "sustain" it? NO.
Al I can say is thank you to whatever it is working to help me, to show me. Who knows, maybe all that visiting the Wailing Wall on a somber week day did help.
In the meantime, I've received 4 "when are you coming back?" text messages.
What now? I don't know. I just know that I'm happy for these realizations because they are in-cred-i-ble.
As if all this wasn't funny enough, I happen to be wearing a wristwatch again, first time since I was 14, and my cherry-colored nails on my left had are adorned with a click ring whose time has stopped at 14:30pm.