01.02.2012 - 28.03.2012 20 °C
For the longest time I couldn't write. By far the worst writer's block of all time. Even reader's block.
Barely 10 pages in and I lose total and utter concentration on the story.
I completely forgot what I wrote in my last entry though - more than two months ago!
I was incredibly strong there and somehow I lost my balance. That's what being home does to you and being abroad exposes you to.
Comes with the adventure package I suppose.
I'm surprised I can even write at this moment but it's about time
to put the mind to rest and the words to action. Might very well be that the best way to get over writer's block is to just start writing until one sentence begings to make sense.
It's crunch time at work with a lot of things going on and a lot of deadlines - if I make them, big score for Mr. Independent here (it is official by the way, minus the pension plan which turns out is a bit of a downfall for freelancers who want to be, well, free). Once again, proving myself and my abilites to bring in success and make it happen. The only negative (growing with time) is having no social work life. But that is the price of being independent and roaming the planet. Still, it is hard to complain while having the luxury of visiting an Italian city like Milan that has so much to offer every single day. You get to walk past churches, one which was built in the year 382 - yes the 4th century! - and somehow people seem to pass it as if it did not exist. Too bad we can't overlook our failures and even exes in the same way. You can see how everything here was built around already-standing structures that are hundreds of years old. They just took what they had and worked their way around it. That is the Italian way after all, isnt it?
It's a real privilege to walk among these sites and on streets paved so many years ago.
There is not one day when I don't stop to marvel at something.
And amid these incredible ruins, I'm trying to make a comeback amid my heart's own ruins. As if I didn't already confess my feelings before, I found the need to do it again! This time, I faced the demon and let out the three words just like that. First time I have ever done that in my life.
E V E R.
I didn't get the response you want to hear. I did get "I have feelings for you too but I can not be in love right now...too much going on in my life at the moment, too many troubles and issues I need to deal with..don't know when that will happen - in the near future, in the distant future, if at all."
Coming from a person who professed love twice I was surprised and yes, hurt. B/c you can't really trust anyone.
Masochitstic character of mine. Stubborn to the bone.
A friend of mine loaded me on his motorbike the next day and drove all the way to Lago Maggiore for some lunch and fresh air.
Cried all the way there but was a great call. It was a splendid day with boats docked along the lake, people strolling, the sun shining, the snow capped mountains glaring above. We had lunch in a little town called Stressa which was really tranquil and picturesque despite its name.
As luck would have it, his parents spent their first married night there. Great..
Glad I said what I did. I feel free.
What good is it to be pretend that you are a clean canvas - seemingly free of any signs of wear'n'tear, scratches, mistakes, loose fibers going almost unseen - when ironically, you are rather transparent and your faults can be seen without other colors to hide you. With this in mind, I chose to be the painted canvas, enclosed in the frame, with all the details right there for you to see it in broad daylight or total darkness and up close, hanging on the wall. Last card pretty much drawn! But that is totally ok because the only way to really know is to tell the truth.
He has a birthday this weekend - I decided no gift. No letter. Just a call.
Respectful and the very bare minimum I suppose although I wish I had the liberty to do more.
Whatever will be, will be. No tears welling up as before.
And without further due, I can not waste any more time wondering. Sometimes the mind wanders off thinking maybe something will change, maybe it will all work out, maybe we'll meet up and we can just be as before I said it all and everything will be okay. And it means the world to me but I can't let it matter anymore because I can't change anything. Nothing. I can only make a decision for myself right now.
I've kind of left him with all of this to deal with when I know very well that he can't (and maybe won't regard it in seriousness)
but I couldn't fight it anymore - sometimes the truth can be selfish.
So as I'm picking the pieces of my broken heart scattered all over this city - in little corners, small streets, broken pavements, packed cafes or heartfelt bistros - life is happening. Deadlines are looming. Work is calling. Responsibility is needed. Decisions have to be made. Exhibitions are opening. The famous Salone del Mobile is coming very soon. Daylight savings time. Wine every night. Heading into the unknown every day. People to meet. Food to taste. There is a life to live.
And my mom is finally coming to visit this weekend.
Really looking forward to showing her this city for all it has to offer.
I thought she might have the chance to even meet him. But there you have it, hope amid the ruins.